:: Thoughts of the day ::

"Humans always like to give in to what our mind wants over what our body needs. By the time our body kick a big fuss, it may be too late." - Bryan Lee

so far in life, i doubt i can see anyone able to escape this trap designed to shorten our lifespan. everyday, we would obey the things our mind want us to do over paying attention to what our body needs. typically, come to the food we eat everyday, we would choose high fatty and deep dried food over plain and simple food. when we are watching an interesting show, we would put it as the expense of our sleep. as for smokers, the mind will often keep demanding for another stick. ppl aiming for luxurous items in life and those on diet, as the extend of skipping a proper meal. as all these added together, the body weaker more and more...until 1 very day, the body put on a strike with us...

i got a living example dat is my cousin, who i regard as my very own elder sister. she is a heavy smoker for 10+ yrs. once in a while, i would advised her to quit smoking as she got 3 children of her own and she would not set a good example for her children. also, she dun have a habit of eating more vegetable and always like to eat fried food. then recently, she discovered dat she got cancer stage 2B (Stage 3B is the terminal stage). then she decided to quit smoking and try to eat more fibre food. i see her in pain during the funeral of my grandma and this added on to my misery of the lost my most respected person in life. she is taking panadol as often as she smokes. i hope she would be determined enough to pass thru this round.

so sometimes do give more thoughts to our body and it will be happy to work for us for a longer time for us to do the things we want...the mind does not always make the most ideal choice for our body all the time. Always make choices dat will provide a balance benefit for our mind, body and soul... :)

my personal 3 guides for the mind, body and soul:
doing meaningful things heals the mind...
eating the right food and exercises heals the body...
(okay, i know i cant control when it comes to food.)
staying happy heals the soul...

+ BL updated @ 10:03 PM

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:: 10th~! I did it again... ::

yawnz...juz came back from a movie, seoul raiders at tiong bahru plaza. this is my 10th time watching a movie on the midnite of lunar new year day. yup...this is my habit dat i developed since 1995. so if u wanna find me on this very day, the best is to camp at tiong bahru plaza from 11pm onwards. however, this year i was very much later, coz i overslept. out of these 10 times, 5 times were me, without any frenz to watch together with me. i believe dat i will carry on this habit as long as i live...

i chose to watch movie at this time of the yr is mainly becoz the cinema is quite empty, usually abt 10-15% occupied. hence, the tendency of be disturbed by others is much less. also, alot of nice movies will be released on this special period. so if i can reach the cinema at 11pm, i would normally watch 2 movies till abt 4am. lastly, the new day is also a holiday, so i can sleep till very late.

after the movie, i would take a stroll home enjoying the beauty of silence at nite. likewise, this yr is not an exception. the chinese new yr, this time round, is the least enjoyable one. mainly is becoz my grandma juz passed away, so alot of my relatives din gather at my uncle's place this time. also, the amount of hong bao i would normally receive, has greatly reduced. the amount of hong bao is not the prime factor, the amount of laughters dat my relatives would make, has also reduced... no one mentioned anything abt my grandma and no one greeted each other happy new yr...my grandma would usually complained dat the noise we made is too loud for her, but only during chinese new yr, she would not mind the noise at all. if she is still ard, she will be complaining the noise we made this yr was too soft.

i wonder anyone noticed dat the PSI in singapore seems to be up again. since last saturday nite, i am able to identity a smell, dat is similiar to the burning scene during the haze period. i also noticed dat alot of ppl ard me having flu and cough recently. so i hope you guys would drink more water and try not to stay out-doors too often...take care...


+ BL updated @ 4:42 AM

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:: lost...all lost... ::

wat a lazy sat afternoon. again all alone in pgp, i took an afternoon nap... i dreamt dat i served fish porridge to my grandma.

at 1st, she was making all the preparation all by herself in the kitchen, as i was beside watching after her like wat i did in the past. then she started banging on to tables and walls, so i began to guide her instead. she even forgot where she last placed the porridge too, dat made me laugh in my dream. however, as soon as i brought the porridge to her, i woke up. a feeling of sadness dat carries some traces of joy burst out of my heart, all these old memories appeared in my dreams and disappeared when my eyes were opened.

when i was staying with her many years back, sometimes i would cook some pasta for supper and both of us will share the food together. also, every morning at 4+am, she will definitely wake up and start boiling water. When she was done, she would quietly sit on a stool in the living room waiting for the right time to wake me up. normally near 6am, she will wake me up. despite she was blind, she was able to make rather precise indication to time, using the sound produced by the cars dat moved along the road next to our block. this was a mystery to me during then until there was a few times, i woke up together with her at 4+am to observe each and every actions she made. at last, she would ask me what is the time whenever more than 2 cars moved along the road.

she will make a cup of super brand 3-in1 instant cereal before she wakes me me every morning. as i was consuming my breakfast, she would keep asking me whether is it 6am already...as she would not wan to miss listening to her favourite FM station, 95.8. Radio station and news are her only source of entertainment when she is alone in the house. she would sigh deeply when news of any tragic incidents was reported. to me, she got a golden heart, a pair of eyes made using her mind and very sharp ears.

recently, i lost not only my grandma... all my precious files dat i kept since 1998 were gonez... i have been reformating my computer again and again, dued to virus invasion thru the network. on the 3rd and last time, i forgot to backup on own personal files. hence, all my files were gone. my personal photos of my family and frenz, anime photos, poems and short msgs dat i made, poly and nus experimental reports were all gonez...

i came a thought, people and objects in life will not always stay but only memories will always remain with us. even if we pass on, memories will still disappear but luv will surely remain.


+ BL updated @ 4:46 PM

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:: For the one dat i respect most in life... ::

I'm been longing to make this entry since last wednesday, but i was not able to access on to the internet in both my house and hostel. this entry might be very long but i find this story is worth sharing with...

last wednesday, 26 Jan 2005 at around 10:50pm was the moment, dat a 79yo old lady ended her long and harsh path in life. this old lady is the person i respected most in life and she is none other than my maternal grandmother. i received the news near 12 but i din cry at all, maybe i expected this to happen on the weekend b4. on dat sunday, i was asked to see her as if she was going to leave us soon. honestly, everytime i see her in dat state, i felt as if my heart been ripped out. she has weaken so much as compared with the grandma dat took care of me when i was young. i din drop any tears does not mean i do not care at all or care so much. the feelings of tears being trapped inside ur eyes is even more unbearable...also, i can see dat all my 3 uncles, 2 aunties and my mum were depressed enough already, so i chose not to cry infront of them. there were moments dat i nearly cried out, but i forced myself to stop. it is becoz my mum was crying infront of me, seeing her in such a state really sours my heart, as if a rusty knife thrusted thru my heart. my mum cried until she nearly fainted on the day of cremation, so i purposely turned my back against her, and played around with my nephews and nieces.

okay, let's go into the original purpose for this entry. my grandma was borned in 1925, like any other healthy child. she is got an elder sister and an younger brother. when she turned 3yo, life has started to be cruel to her, her siblings and her contacted with a illness, and were down with a high fever. both her siblings did not make it and her gift of sight were taken away. next, her parent both passed away before she turned 12. then she started working as a laundry lady for rich familes to earn a living. fortunately, she met my grandfather who was a dentist in tiong bahru area. they both got married, and gave birth to my 3 uncles, 2 aunties and my mum. thinking dat life has abt to sparkle for her, my grandfather left this world on the day my mum turned 1-month old, leaving behind my blind grandma with 6 children. my 2 aunties were forced to quit school, in order to support the family together with my grandma. with their effort, my mother was able to complete her studies to gce 'o' lvl. this story was told by my aunties becoz my grandma never mention much of these to me. i did try to ask before but she would reply with a short reply and tears will start dripping from her eyes, so i stopped asking for more.

when i was between pri 5 to sec 3, i stayed with my grandma. dat is my growing stage in life where i learnt abt of useful things from her. 1 of the most unforgetable ones was how i picked up cooking. when i 1st shifted in to her house, she would wake me up for sch every morning and prepare lunch for me when i returned home after lesson. 1day, i was observing how she ensured the food is cooked or not. she would pinch the food in the hot wok to feel for the texture. my heart nearly dropped all the way when i witnessed dat, so i was became determine to learn cooking from her and my mum. another one was how i learn how a blind person find their way or objects in their house.

once in a while, she would have stroke and hospitalised for a few days. the worst one was backed in 1996, where the stroke took away her ability to speak. this incident was the very 1st time, i saw so many of my family members crying together. of coz, i cried too, becoz my grandma was not prepared for such a thing to happen also. from den on, she got to rely on tube feeding thru her nose and can see dat she was in pain also. imagine my own grandma cannot see and speak, bites my heart.

once a month or 2months, i would take some time to visit her. however, when i entered NUS, the frequency dropped. i visited her during last yr june and saw a person dat i cant recognised at all. she has lost a total of 20+kg over these yrs, all i can see of her were skin and bones. her skin was dry with dead skins abt to peel off too, so i went to buy a big bottle of moisturer right away. my uncle's wife told me dat my grandma attempted to end her life for a couple of times becoz she dun wan to be a burden to us. she knew how much pain each time any of us went thru when we see her. i told her to wait till the day, i get my degree but she could not witness dat already.

i wanted to give a loud and gd cry for her for these few days, but i just cant...all i can do now is to recall my memories dat i shared with her...i dun know how long i could truely recover from this incident but till today, i could not forget abt the death of my paternal grandma since ard 2:40pm 18 Augest 2000. she was the 2nd most respected person in my life, despite the fact dat i hated her before when i was small. now i felt lost is becoz i lost the 2 most respected person in my life.

all i can remember most now from my maternal grandma was her 2 significant quotes....
"if u want urself to be well, u got to want others to be well 1st."
"Retribution not only is paid from urself, but to the people and things dat u care for most with u knowing it."

her intention is to want us to be gd to others and not be do things dat will harm others.


+ BL updated @ 2:07 AM

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