:: For the one dat i respect most in life... ::

I'm been longing to make this entry since last wednesday, but i was not able to access on to the internet in both my house and hostel. this entry might be very long but i find this story is worth sharing with...

last wednesday, 26 Jan 2005 at around 10:50pm was the moment, dat a 79yo old lady ended her long and harsh path in life. this old lady is the person i respected most in life and she is none other than my maternal grandmother. i received the news near 12 but i din cry at all, maybe i expected this to happen on the weekend b4. on dat sunday, i was asked to see her as if she was going to leave us soon. honestly, everytime i see her in dat state, i felt as if my heart been ripped out. she has weaken so much as compared with the grandma dat took care of me when i was young. i din drop any tears does not mean i do not care at all or care so much. the feelings of tears being trapped inside ur eyes is even more unbearable...also, i can see dat all my 3 uncles, 2 aunties and my mum were depressed enough already, so i chose not to cry infront of them. there were moments dat i nearly cried out, but i forced myself to stop. it is becoz my mum was crying infront of me, seeing her in such a state really sours my heart, as if a rusty knife thrusted thru my heart. my mum cried until she nearly fainted on the day of cremation, so i purposely turned my back against her, and played around with my nephews and nieces.

okay, let's go into the original purpose for this entry. my grandma was borned in 1925, like any other healthy child. she is got an elder sister and an younger brother. when she turned 3yo, life has started to be cruel to her, her siblings and her contacted with a illness, and were down with a high fever. both her siblings did not make it and her gift of sight were taken away. next, her parent both passed away before she turned 12. then she started working as a laundry lady for rich familes to earn a living. fortunately, she met my grandfather who was a dentist in tiong bahru area. they both got married, and gave birth to my 3 uncles, 2 aunties and my mum. thinking dat life has abt to sparkle for her, my grandfather left this world on the day my mum turned 1-month old, leaving behind my blind grandma with 6 children. my 2 aunties were forced to quit school, in order to support the family together with my grandma. with their effort, my mother was able to complete her studies to gce 'o' lvl. this story was told by my aunties becoz my grandma never mention much of these to me. i did try to ask before but she would reply with a short reply and tears will start dripping from her eyes, so i stopped asking for more.

when i was between pri 5 to sec 3, i stayed with my grandma. dat is my growing stage in life where i learnt abt of useful things from her. 1 of the most unforgetable ones was how i picked up cooking. when i 1st shifted in to her house, she would wake me up for sch every morning and prepare lunch for me when i returned home after lesson. 1day, i was observing how she ensured the food is cooked or not. she would pinch the food in the hot wok to feel for the texture. my heart nearly dropped all the way when i witnessed dat, so i was became determine to learn cooking from her and my mum. another one was how i learn how a blind person find their way or objects in their house.

once in a while, she would have stroke and hospitalised for a few days. the worst one was backed in 1996, where the stroke took away her ability to speak. this incident was the very 1st time, i saw so many of my family members crying together. of coz, i cried too, becoz my grandma was not prepared for such a thing to happen also. from den on, she got to rely on tube feeding thru her nose and can see dat she was in pain also. imagine my own grandma cannot see and speak, bites my heart.

once a month or 2months, i would take some time to visit her. however, when i entered NUS, the frequency dropped. i visited her during last yr june and saw a person dat i cant recognised at all. she has lost a total of 20+kg over these yrs, all i can see of her were skin and bones. her skin was dry with dead skins abt to peel off too, so i went to buy a big bottle of moisturer right away. my uncle's wife told me dat my grandma attempted to end her life for a couple of times becoz she dun wan to be a burden to us. she knew how much pain each time any of us went thru when we see her. i told her to wait till the day, i get my degree but she could not witness dat already.

i wanted to give a loud and gd cry for her for these few days, but i just cant...all i can do now is to recall my memories dat i shared with her...i dun know how long i could truely recover from this incident but till today, i could not forget abt the death of my paternal grandma since ard 2:40pm 18 Augest 2000. she was the 2nd most respected person in my life, despite the fact dat i hated her before when i was small. now i felt lost is becoz i lost the 2 most respected person in my life.

all i can remember most now from my maternal grandma was her 2 significant quotes....
"if u want urself to be well, u got to want others to be well 1st."
"Retribution not only is paid from urself, but to the people and things dat u care for most with u knowing it."

her intention is to want us to be gd to others and not be do things dat will harm others.


+ BL updated @ 2:07 AM

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